Thoughts you have when you finish your period
Well thank god that’s over.
Urgh. That one might have been the worst ever.
Well not quite EVER.
Let’s face it, nothing will ever top Bowling-gate.
I mean, what exactly are you supposed to say when your date tells you after THREE games of bowling, that you’ve bled through your jeans?
Seriously, WHY only tell me after THREE. WHOLE. GAMES?
And why did I do all that ridiculous bending to make sure I got JUST the right angle for a strike?
But I mean I did win all three games, though. So… y’know… the bending works, people.
So OK, this period wasn’t the worst worst ever.
But it’s SO good to have it done with.
Three whole glorious weeks without bloating, cramps, volcanic spot eruptions on my chin, crying/raging at nothing…
I can finally stop living in my duvet cave every evening.
Stop eating the corner shop out of chocolate-based snacks.
Seriously, I genuinely think they might go out of business if I ever stopped getting periods.
I can stop binge-watching Netflix and get out there and DO some stuff!
Just because I can!
Like… like… Ooh! I could wear something white and super skin-tight and prance around the streets, bending and lunging and high-kicking because AIN’T NOTHING COMING OUT OF THERE MY FRIEND.
Yep, nothing to see down there, people. You just carry on with your shopping.
I mean, unless you want to compliment me on my awesome prancing, obvs.
That’d be fine.
Maybe I’ll get some of those ridiculous white cycling shorts the Kardashians are always wearing.
SUCH a weird exception to their normal life-giving style.
Bet it’s Kanye’s influence.
Weird fashion dictator.
Or I could just sit in the same spot for aaaages, totally confident that the warm damp feeling in my pants is just good old SWEAT.
In fact, I might go and sit in the airing cupboard right now just to get things heating up down there.
And then I’ll just stay in there having a snooze cos there’s zero need to dash to the toilet to double check if I’ve had an incident.
Ahhh and my lovely family.
I realise now they really are lovely.
And that it actually wasn’t “TOTALLY MASSIVELY COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE” for my mum to ask me to help her peel those potatoes for dinner.
I can give her and dad all the love they deserve.
Maybe I’ll even make them dinner tonight.
Because they are the best parents in the world, let’s face it.
And look at that, I’m thinking about something sentimental and I’m not even welling up!
I’m going to be able to move through the world without constantly blubbing!
I’m going to be able to watch Queer Eye without going through six boxes of tissues an episode.
Thinking about it, my periods really are keeping that corner shop in business.
Oh my god I could go swimming!
Any time I like!
Without having to faff around with tampons.
I could go right now!
Or scrap that, I could just do all those sports they’re always doing on the tampon adverts. Football and skydiving and whatnot.
Except CBA right?
I mean, isn’t the best thing about coming off your period the fact that you have the total freedom to do whatever you want?
And shouldn’t doing whatever you want include choosing not to do a ton of ridiculous things?
Cos swimming sounds good but….
My duvet cave is looking pretty good too.
Maybe even better.
Yeah, another episode of Queer Eye it is then.
And seeing as I’ve got all this chocolate and all these tissues I may as well use them...
And soz mum and dad but your special dinner will just have to wait.
I’m in post-period celebration mode here!